A single word that resonates with so many. A word that became more accentuated in my life after having children.
After the news of another sweet 7 month old rainbow baby passing away in his sleep, I’m sitting here gripped in fear. That is my absolute worst nightmare that they are living. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what they are going through. My heart is breaking for the DeRosier family.
I have had friends who have lost their babies. Even my grandmother lost her little boy. That though terrifies me. It grips me like a vice. Just the thought alone makes my heart race and my chest tighten. These women have strength that surmounts anyone I know. I can only pray that I never know that pain or have my strength tested in that way. I don’t know that I could rise up strong like other courageous women.
I have mentioned briefly before my anxiety and fear in something happening to my children when I wrote the post entitled I’m Sorry Mom-I Get It Now. As a mom who suffers from anxiety and depression, I often do not know if what I am feeling is normal or part of my disorder. Maybe you can help me sort through it all. Maybe you too have these feelings or you know how to ease my constant worry.
I am that mom…
I am that mom that goes in to check on the baby (and the big kids) each night to make sure they are breathing.
I am the one who has monitors in all their bedrooms in case for some reason I can’t hear them cry out.
I am that mom who will probably dream up all the worst-case scenarios for any situation.
I am the one with the inner voice giving myself a pep talk, reminding myself to let it go and it will be okay!
I am the one who hears a segment on the news about many places not having carbon monoxide detectors and immediately jump on Amazon to buy a battery operated travel carbon monoxide detector. (Yes, I do bring that to hotels and people’s houses when we spend the night.)
I am the one who made my husband install a dead bolt on the door to the garage.
I am the one who double checks all the doors to make sure they are locked before heading to bed.
My more level headed other half:
Thankfully my husband is much more laid back than I am. I guess they say opposites attract for a reason. We balance each other out.
While I am over here worrying about the Zika virus or some other random thing I just saw on the news, he is right there reminding me that the chances are very rare. He dutifully installs the deadbolts and gets out of bed, even though he is already half asleep, to double check if he shut the garage door. Slowly he coaxes me to be okay with our one year old sleeping with a blanket. He helps me calm my nerves as I try not to let my fears cripple them or stand in the way of letting them live their life to the fullest.
Together we joke about some of my silly nuances. Yet truthfully, it is always in the back of my mind, that plaguing “what if”.
You are probably reading this thinking, “Wow, this lady is a paranoid nut job!” I get it. It sounds crazy.
Most things have a backstory as to why I worry. Like the carbon monoxide detector, I know of two people who passed away as children from carbon monoxide poisoning. And I will say that it is true that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. My mom did tell me on Mother’s Day that the glitter in the water table may get in their eyes and hurt them. (I can safely share that because I know she will read this and know she too has spent countless sleepless nights worrying about her babies. You know I love you Mom!)
But other times it is just me thinking that life is circular and something bad is around the bend. It is my way of prepping myself for a bad situation that may come my way.
Is it irrational or just normal “mom-xiety”?
Maybe it is out of the ordinary to worry so much about your children.
I try to embrace the idea that everything is in God’s hands. I truly do try to let it go a little. And I envy the mom who is so relaxed. One day maybe I can be the mom who shrugs off the thought of something happening, letting it roll off my shoulders without a backwards glance. I need a little of that in my life.
I’ll continue to keep working on myself. For now… I need to go put my hand on the baby’s back to feel her chest rise and fall with each breath so I can rest a little easier tonight.